LAUGHTER IS GOOD FOR YOU!!

Funny FridayNot So Famous

Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases.

One afternoon, he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn’t know Newman was a famous movie star, explained, “That’s the man who made this camp possible.  Maybe you’ve seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?”

Blank stares.

“Well, you’ve probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.”

With that, an eight-year-old girl perked up and hesitantly asked,  “How long was he missing?”

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If you like to read, be sure to order some books from http://www.GoodShortBooks.com. Good, delightful, affordable books (mostly non-fiction) for adults and kids! eBooks, too!

These books will help with your concerns about relationships, parenting, bullying, children’s education, etc.

And they make GREAT gifts!!

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FUNNY FRIDAY – July 5 – July 11, 2019

Funny FridayFUNNY FRIDAY

Me, Too!

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.

After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn’t miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the husband became the classic grouchy old man.  He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.

The more he chided her, the more agitated he became.  He just wouldn’t let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.

As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her. . .

“WHILE YOU’RE IN THERE, YOU MIGHT AS WELL GET MY HAT AND THE CREDIT CARD!”

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If you like to read, be sure to order some books from http://www.GoodShortBooks.com. Good, delightful, affordable books (mostly non-fiction) for adults and kids! eBooks, too!

These books will help with your concerns about relationships, parenting, bullying, children’s education, etc.

And they make GREAT gifts!!

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FUNNY FRIDAY – Week of June 28 – July 4, 2019

Funny FridayToo Drunk!

An Idaho State trooper pulled a car over on the freeway, a little bit north of the Idaho/Utah State line.  When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to Boise to do a show at the Shrine Circus.  He didn’t want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn’t give him a ticket.  He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.  The juggler said he could, so the trooper got five flares, lit them, and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.  A drunk from Southeastern Idaho got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door, asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, “You might as well take my butt to jail, ‘cause there ain’t no way I can pass THAT test.”

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If you like to read, be sure to order some books from http://www.GoodShortBooks.com. Good, delightful, affordable books (mostly non-fiction) for adults and kids! eBooks, too!

Books make GREAT gifts!!

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FUNNY FRIDAY – June 21 – June 27, 2019

Funny FridayFour Husbands

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.  The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation.

“He’s a funeral director,” she answered.

Interesting,” the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.  After a short time, a smile came to her face, and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s, and a preacher when in her 60’s, and now—in her 80’s, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

 

(Wait for it, wait for it. . .)

 

 

She smiled and explained. . .

“I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”

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If you like to read, be sure to order some books from http://www.GoodShortBooks.com. Good, delightful, affordable books (mostly non-fiction) for adults and kids! eBooks, too!

Books make GREAT gifts!!

 

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FUNNY FRIDAY – Week of June 14 – June 20, 2019

Funny FridayRetiree Health Message

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don’t really give a rat’s hiney.  It’s the tortoise life for me!

1.  If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2.  A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.
3.  A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4.  A tortoise doesn’t run and does nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.  And you
tell me to exercise?  I don’t think so.  I’m retired.  Go around me.

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I’m older, here’s what I’ve discovered:

1.  I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2.  My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.
3.  I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4.  Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
5.  Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
6.  If all is not lost, where is it?
7.  It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8.  Some days, you’re the dog; some days you’re the hydrant.
9.  I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
10.  Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11.  Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12.  It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
13.  The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom.
14.  If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.
15.  When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?
16.  It’s not hard to meet expenses. . .they’re everywhere.
17.  The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18.  These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I’m hereafter
19.  Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

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If you like to read, be sure to order some books from GoodShortBooks.com. Good, delightful, affordable books (mostly non-fiction) for adults and kids! eBooks, too!

Books make GREAT gifts!!

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FUNNY FRIDAY – Week of June 7 – June 13, 2019

Funny FridayCaught Speeding

Woman:  “Is there a problem, Officer?”

Officer:  “Ma’am, you were speeding.”

Woman:  “Oh, I see.”

Officer:  “Can I see your license, please?”

Woman:  “I’d give it to you, but I don’t have one.”

Officer:  “You don’t have one?”

Woman:  “Lost it four times for drunk driving.”

Officer:  “I see.  Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please.”

Woman:  “I can’t do that, either.”

Officer:  “Why not?”

Woman:  “I stole this car.”

Officer:  “Stole it?”

Woman:  “Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.”

Officer:  “You what?”

Woman:  “His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
to see.”

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and
calls for back up.  Within minutes, five police cars circle the car.  A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

Officer 2:  “Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please?!”

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman:  “Is there a problem, sir?”

Officer 2:  “One of my officers told me that you have stolen this
car and murdered the owner.”

Woman:  “Murdered the owner?”

Officer 2:  “Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car?”

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2:  “Is this your car, ma’am?”

Woman:  “Yes, here are the registration papers.”

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2:  “One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.”

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out her wallet, which is open to her license and hands it to the officer.  The officer examines the license and looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2:  “Thank you ma’am.  One of my officers told me you didn’t
have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
up the owner.”

Woman:  “WHAT!!  And I betcha the lying IDIOT told you I was speeding, too!”

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If you like to read, be sure to order some books from GoodShortBooks.com. Good, delightful, affordable books (mostly non-fiction) for adults and kids! eBooks, too!

Books make GREAT gifts!!

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FUNNY FRIDAY – May 31-June 4, 2019

Funny Friday

Kids and Their Teachers

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl replied, “Well, when I get to Heaven, I will ask Jonah.”

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”

The little girl responded, “Then you ask him.”

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If you like to read, be sure to order some books from GoodShortBooks.com. Good, delightful, affordable books (mostly non-fiction) for adults and kids! eBooks, too!

Books make GREAT gifts!!

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FUNNY FRIDAY! May 24, 2019

 

Funny Friday

You Gotta Love Old Women

An old woman prospector shuffled into town, leading a tired old mule.  The old woman headed straight for the only saloon to clear her parched throat.

She walked up and tied her old mule to the hitch rail.  As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, saying, “Hey, old woman, have you ever danced?”

The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, “No, I never did dance.  Never really wanted to.”

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, “Well, you old bag, you’re gonna dance now.”  And he started shooting at the old woman’s feet.

The old woman prospector, not wanting to get her toes blown off, started hopping around.  Everybody was laughing.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.  The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly.  The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman’s hands as she quietly said, “Son, have you ever licked a mule’s butt?”

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, “No, ma’am…but…I’ve always wanted to.”
THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS FOR US ALL HERE:

1.  Never be arrogant.
2.  Don’t waste your ammunition.
3.  Whiskey makes you think you’re smarter than you are.
4.  Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5.  Don’t mess with old women; they didn’t get old by being stupid.

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If you like to read, be sure to order some books from GoodShortBooks.com.  Good, delightful, affordable books (mostly non-fiction) for adults and kids!  eBooks, too!

Books make GREAT gifts!!

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A DIET THAT REALLY WORKS! – July 22, 2018

On May 7, 2018, I went to the doctor for my regular checkup.  I weighed in at 159 pounds!!  Now, I’m only 5′ 1″ so that was too much for me, and I declared that 160 would not see me!!

I immediately pulled out this 7-day diet that my sister, Anita gave me several years ago (I kept it just in case I would ever need it!  Thank God!!).

Today is July 22, 2018, and I now weigh 152!!  My goal is 145 to 150.  This diet is fantastic!!  My husband started using it sometime after I did.  He was at 192 pounds.  Today, he weighs 182!!

This is a vegetable soup that you can eat anytime you are hungry.  We cheat a little bit and have some of the foods that we like in addition to the soup.  But we always eat the soup!  Since I’m a breast cancer survivor, I use all organic ingredients, and I make it in a BIG pot—enough to last at least one week.  Here’s the recipe:

32 oz. chicken broth

32 oz. beef or vegetable broth

2 lbs. carrots

1 bunch celery

2 cans diced tomatoes

2 bags frozen green beans

2 bell peppers

1 bunch green onions

Ketchup (to suit your taste)

Seasonings to suit your taste

DRINKS YOU MAY HAVE – Water, coffee, tea, cranberry juice, skim milk unsweetened juices.

FOOD/DRINKS YOU CANNOT HAVE – Bread, alcohol, carbonated drinks, diet drinks, fried foods.

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DAY 1 – Eat only soup and fruit.  No bananas.  Cantaloupe and watermelon are lower in calories than other fruits.

DAY 2 – All vegetables.  No beans, peas or corn.  Eat the soup.  You may also have a baked potato with butter.  No fruits.

DAY 3 – Eat only the soup, fruits and vegetables.  You should have lost at least three pounds.

DAY 4 – Eat at least three bananas and as much skim milk as you can today, along with the soup.  Your body will need the potassium and carbs.  Don’t give in to the cravings for sweets!

DAY 5 – Beef and tomatoes.  You may have 10 to 20 ounces of beef and a can of tomatoes (or as many as six tomatoes).  Eat the soup at least once today.

DAY 6 – Beef and vegetables (as much as you want).  You can even have two to three steaks, with green, leafy vegetables, but no baked potato.  Be sure to eat the soup at least once today.

DAY 7 – Brown rice, unsweetened fruit juice, and vegetables—as much as you want.  By the end of the 7th day, if you have not cheated, you should have lost 10 to 17 pounds.  If you have lost more than 17 pounds, stay off the diet for two days before resuming it again.

WE CHEATED!!  We’re not interested in DRASTIC weight loss—just slow, but steady weight loss to get to our target weight.

My husband used to eat at least 14 pieces of bread every week.  He now eats about three or four pieces of bread a week.  He still drinks his beer and wine, but not as much.  We used to eat pizza and KFC about once every 10 days or so; we’ve had pizza and KFC about twice since we’ve been on this diet.  I used to eat a BIG scoop of ice cream every night; I now have a SMALL scoop about three or four times a week.

If nothing else, this new way of eating will teach you to modify the way you eat.  You’ll think about gaining more weight, and that’s NOT what you want!!

EXERCISE! – We’re not exercise fanatics, but we will get on the treadmill, do crunches, stretches, planks, etc., on an irregular (when we feel like it) basis.  And we take wheat grass, vitamins, and minerals EVERY DAY to make sure that our bodies get the necessary nutrients!

It took a long time to get to your UNDESIRABLE weight, so be patient with yourself!!

 

 

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BLACK HISTORY MONTH: Claude Harvard (February 3, 2018)

Claude Harvard was my cousin.  He was a modest man.  He didn’t brag about the amazing things he had done.  Sadly, I knew nothing about his genius and accomplishments until after his death.

~ Joyce Fields

 

Claude Harvard:  Genius Knows No Color

Claude Harvard

For more than half of his life, Claude Harvard fought to overcome the obstacles in his life.  He was a mathematical genius.  But before you think he carried a slide rule with him and was some sort of prosperous preppie prodigy attending a major university, think again.  Claude Harvard was born almost as poor as poor can be.  He was the son of a South Georgia black sharecropper in the years when cotton abdicated its crown as the King of the South.

Claude Harvard was born on March 11, 1911, in Dublin, Georgia.  He attended Telfair School, which was then located on Pritchett Street.  His teacher and school principal, Susie White Dasher, was more than proud of Claude.  Mrs. Dasher related that he was a mathematical wizard and was always at the top of his class.

Claude’s interest in science and technology was aroused around 1921 when he read a magazine article about owning your own wireless radio set.  The first radio station in the country, KDKA in Pittsburgh, went on the air in November 1920.  Georgia wouldn’t have its own station until 1922 when WSB began broadcasting from Atlanta.  Claude was determined to own his own radio.  He saved his pennies and sold salve to raise the money.

By 1922, it became impossible for many black tenant farmer families to survive in the boll weevil-ridden cotton fields of Georgia.  The Harvard family moved to Detroit, Michigan, with hopes of a newfound prosperity.  With his most priceless possession in hand, Claude left the relative tranquility of Dublin for the bright lights of big-city life.

Claude enrolled in a machine shop class in high school.  His teacher observed his talent and recommended him for admission to The Henry Ford Trade School in 1926.  Auto magnate Henry Ford established the school in 1916 to train orphaned children to become workers for his auto plants.  Despite the fact that he was not an orphan, Claude was accepted in the school because of his impressive talents in machining and metal work.  The cards were stacked against Claude at the school where blacks seldom graduated because of the rule against fighting.  The principal figured that Claude wouldn’t make it at the school because there was no way he could finish his classes without getting into a fight with the white kids.  Claude kept his temper and avoided any scrapes.  He excelled in every course at the school.  He was elected president of the radio club at the school. Ten students in the club took a test to become a certified amateur operator.  Claude, the only one of the group to pass the test, became the first African-American in Michigan to receive an amateur radio license.  Harvard, known as “The African Pounder,” worked at the school radio station WARC.  Upon completion of his courses at the Henry Ford Trade School, Claude Harvard was at the top of his class.

Despite the fact that Claude had reached the pinnacle of success at the school, he was denied the automatic right to a union card because of his race.  Harvard later found out that all of his applications for union membership had been discarded in the trash can.  But Harvard’s talents couldn’t be discarded.  The Ford Motor Company hired him anyway and assigned him as the head of the radio department.

In 1934 at the age of 23, Claude was personally selected by Henry Ford to display his ground-breaking invention of a piston pin inspection machine at the Century of Progress Exposition in Chicago, Illinois.  Harvard’s most well-known invention allowed workers to clean the surfaces of auto pistons to 1/10,000th of an inch.  His machine determined the proper hardness of a piston and checked the length and diameter of its grooves, rejecting any defective parts in the sorting phase.  Claude Harvard never forgot the pride he felt at the Exposition.  He was deeply honored by Ford’s confidence in him as well as the pride he felt when other black attendees came to his booth.

Impressed with Harvard’s remarkable abilities, Henry Ford asked Claude to speak on behalf of the company at Tuskegee Institute.  With only one day to prepare the speech, Harvard rapidly researched his topic and presented it to Ford by the end of the day.  The Institute’s iconic scientist, George Washington Carver, welcomed Claude to the school and issued a rare personal invitation to tour his personal laboratory.  As a token of his gratitude, Carver presented Harvard samples of his work and an autographed picture of himself.  Carver remained fond of Harvard and his work and often inquired of him in conversations with Ford.  In 1937, Harvard was again honored by Ford when he appeared in an advertisement in Popular Science Monthly.

While at Ford Motor Company, Claude Harvard patented 29 inventions for the manufacture of Ford automobiles, though he reaped none of the royalties and profits of his genius, all in accordance with a company policy which required employees to relinquish their inventions to the company.  One invention was sold for a quarter of a million dollars to U. S. Steel.  He left the company to establish his own business, the Exact Tool & Die Company.  The initially-successful business failed when white employees of customer companies found out they were doing business with a black businessman.  Claude went to work for the Federal government but soon discovered that he was discriminated against in his pay scale.  An old friend from the Ford Trade School suggested that he take an employment test at the Detroit Arsenal.  Claude quickly solved a trigonometry problem and passed a subsequent civil service exam.  Harvard worked at the Arsenal until his retirement.

Harvard came out of retirement when he began teaching at Focus: HOPE Machinist Training Institute in Detroit in the early 1980s.  The school was organized to teach hands-on training for minority youths.  After two years, Harvard became an unpaid volunteer at the school.  He designed implements and guides to facilitate the production of metal parts.  Harvard maintained that it was the vast experience of himself and other instructors which contributed to better teaching of young students.  Though machine work was controlled by computers, Harvard maintained that the process was still basically the same as it was in the 1930s.  He encouraged his students and all children to study math and to put as much effort into learning as they do into sports.  In a 1997 interview with Otha R. Sullivan, Harvard offered these words of advice, “Have you noticed how kids exercise, play sports and learn dances?  If they treated their brains the way they treat their bodies, they would be great.  If you gave your brain half the exercise you give your muscles, you’d be very smart.  Kids shouldn’t be afraid of mathematics and science.  The subjects aren’t as hard as they look.  I especially recommend that young people tackle mathematics.  It really isn’t that difficult.  Apparently, the teachers just make it seem that way.”

Claude Harvard died in 1999 in his adopted hometown of Detroit.  The young Dublin boy who once dreamed of owning his own radio has been heralded as one of the greatest African American inventors of the 20th Century.  Harvard was philosophical about the impediments of racism in America and encouraged others to aspire to his goals.  In a 1937 interview, Harvard said “The Negro boy who is complaining about the breaks against him should stop squawking and do as this black boy did and make the grade in spite of being black.  I must make the grade.”  In chronicling the early successes of the young inventor, Herbert H. “Hub” Dudley, Dublin’s leading black businessman and a columnist for the Dublin Courier Herald wrote, “Genius knows no color or creed. The world loves a contributor to civilization.”

by Scott Thompson

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